Leaving and going to a women’s shelter in winter

I left a heartfelt note for my children’s father. It was brimming with emotions of wanting to work things out, but needing to be safe. I’d expressed my hopes that he would seek help. So, I went to a women's shelter with my 3 children. I called several, but only one could pay for a cab to pick us up. Since there was no way my children's father was going to "let me" have the only vehicle we had, the shelter that could sent the cab was my best option. I packed our clothing and my oldest's kitchen set in the cab. When we arrived and were processed, I shut the door to our room. I felt such a wave of relief. Just knowing that there was no way he could barge in and start yelling was an amazing feeling. Feeling hidden was such a freeing experience. 

The interactions with the workers and the other women was saddening and interesting. One elderly woman lived on the first floor. She had a handicapped accessible room. I felt particularly compassionate towards her. Being so frail, and elderly, she was so soft spoken and gentle. Her temperament was juxtaposed with the brash, boisterous ways of one woman. I was so annoyed with her. She was like an obnoxious child in a library. Living in a battered women's shelter is no cake walk. One week end she went with her toddler, to visit her child's father, she came back with a bruised ear. She wasn't so loud after that, and I felt ashamed for not having more patience internally with her. I made one friend who was from Brazil, she had a 17 year old son named Lucas. They were both so kind, and had so many smiles. Knowing her was like a bright spot in a very transitional and to a degree scary place. I still remember her smile, and her son's happy face but not her name. I didn't realize I would be leaving as fast as I did, or I would have gotten her contact number. She is in Boca Raton, FL. USA which is near where I live now but still some hours away.

It snowed while I was there. It was so cold outside, and being that I am from Florida and this was all new to me. I started to lose my hair and my four month old daughter developed pneumonia. The hospital said I had extreme fatigue. That sounded about right. They suggested rest and relaxation. I went to counseling my second day at the shelter. The counselor helped me realize that no matter how thin I was or was not, or how tasty the food I cooked was or was not my children's father's happiness was his own responsibility and not mine. I had a best friend, Leah Forrest she lived in Texas. Unknown to her, my children's father would all the time say "If only you would be like Leah, I would be happy." I wasn't jealous of Leah, even though I could clearly see the many amiable qualities she had. A walking Barbie doll, with a heart of gold. Her friendship would help sustain me through some rough times that were a head. In the counseling, I realized I wasn't responsible for my children's father's happiness. This was very freeing. My thinking had become warped. Somehow I took his happiness as my responsibility.  I was really glad to understand that I am not the owner of his emotions, he is. I am the owner of my emotions, not him. This seems so basic now, but in the world of abuse, simple concepts get clouded sometimes.

I got a restraining order, and my mother and grandmother sent plane tickets for my children and I to fly back to Florida. I was so happy. The shelter paid for our cab fare to the airport. Two weeks after I arrived in Florida, I was served with divorce papers. Their dad, had filed for divorce. This was a surprise. Mr. Christian, filed for divorce instead of seeking help. I had been gone a month.

As time passed, my children and I became acclimated with our new reality. I wanted to go to church. My oldest two said they didn't want to go, because that’s where dad always wanted to go. I explained, that we can be happy, because we are going to choose to walk in the light and not in darkness. I told them that we have a new life, a fresh start. I also realized that I needed to focus on experiencing and showing the love of God to my children. I decided I needed to be vigilant about showing the kindness, patience, self-control, joy, hope, and freedom that I knew were in God. This was a great thing for all of us.

A new job and college

The YMCA gave a free membership to the women at the women’s shelter. We could not go, because my daughter was ill, and I was afraid to go in the cold. When we arrived in Florida, I called asking if that was something the local YMCA did also. They welcomed us, gave us a free membership, and I soon had a job working in the nursery. My children took swimming (in the summer), and gymnastic lessons, I worked out for the first time in 6 years. I took Zumba, and loved it. I started to meet new people and grow stronger. The way I introduced my children and I, was by stating we had recently left my husband because of domestic violence. I wanted all women to know that it was possible to get out. Often women were shocked, but in a year, two women left their abusive husbands and I was able to help them with that. I wanted to open the door to this topic, because that is the first step. Not being afraid to talk about it. I also started college again. I’d allowed my image of myself to be so controlled by the negative views of my children’s father, for a long time I didn't have the gumption to express anything that was different from his ideas. So, when he said he didn't think I could handle all the house work, cooking, child rearing, and wifely responsibilities I believed him and stopped college. Now, a few months after leaving I was back in college. I was no longer losing my hair. I was in contact with the outreach manager of the local women’s shelter, she was a source of encouragement, understanding, and hope. I am filled with awe as I think if how many conversations we had, and how they helped me mentally. She was like a fairy god mother, although it was mental gifts she gave. Empowerment, hope, assurance, and friendship.

A year after I left, I applied for a received the Dorris Buffet Sunshine Lady scholarship. This was a great encouragement and help. This is a scholarship Warren Buffet’s sister set up to help empower woman to remain free of abuse. I made the right choices to stay away and stay safe. I made the choice to go to college, and she agreed to pay the expenses I expressed I needed help with. During this time, I had my children 100% of the time. Up until this time all the judges understood that I was a very abused woman before I left. During the course of almost a year there was a home study, evaluations of my children, and much more. It was expensive and emotionally draining. My family helped with the legal fees. My children’s father had his family help with his bills. He moved to Florida. There were many judges, because the process took so long. It was truly a painful and exhausting experience, but our freedom and safety was well worth it. The final judgment was not a perfect one. We now share them. One week they are with him, and one week they are with me. He still tries to manipulate me, he still tries his old tricks. But the major difference is that I have changed. He tries, but does not succeed. I no longer allow him to influence my emotions. I respond differently than ever before. I give my children my time, my attention, and my smiles. We laugh, we read, we cook, we swim, we watch movies and walk our dog at the dog park. He cannot stop us, or take away our joy. Why? Because we no longer let him. That was the game changer, when I realized I still had a choice over my own life. I had gotten so wrapped up, in trying to save a failing marriage that I lost sight of myself. I disappeared into the chaos. God wasn't calling me to that. God was calling me to peace and freedom. God wanted me and my children to leave. Nowhere in the Bible does it say a spouse has to stay around a violent spouse.

I am a walking demonstration of the power of the word no. When I was saying yes to all the crazy my ex-husband brought to our lives, I was saying no to so many good possibilities. Once, I was away long enough to see this I grieved the loss of time, but I rejoiced that at least now we are free.

On the way to the women’s shelter, I saw a church sign that talked about justice. And, that’s what I was asking God for, justice. God clearly spoke to my heart, and said he would take care of me, and my babies. I am pleased to report that He has not failed me yet.

                                                         Leah Forrest